Empowering & informative.
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This book was my bible for coming to terms with my personal experience, and helping other women overcome similar experiences in my profession as a social worker. The author is informative, focussed and determined to provide a focus on prioritising women; helping them recognise abuse and protect themselves from harm. I would highly recommend it and urge all women to read it to develop a sound understanding of this complex and challenging subject that is often ignored and repressed by society. It provided me with comfort and clarity and gave me the strength to understand my experience and move on in my life positively.
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A book for every woman
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Like other women here, I wish I'd read this book years ago. It's a must read for every woman in order to help equip them with the best chance of recognising, avoiding and ditching the abusive men that come through our lives. There are plenty out there to choose from, but do remember they aren't all like it.
What I've realised is some are extreme in their behaviours but many are not, BUT, they can be just as destructive over the longer term. There's only one rule in my life now for all, including any man that wishes to be part of it (and this includes friends and family too), and that is that they exibit as much respect for me AS AN EQUAL as they'd wish for themselves or they're out. Simple. I don't compromise any more. Being diminished and devalued is no way for any woman to live her life but especially once she realises the abusive situation she may be in.
Lundy Bancroft writes a superb book. Read it, learn from it and live YOUR LIFE, not someone elses.
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Sancha
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Where do I start ? For many years I have been in an extremely abusive marriage, been very unhappy and being constantly told to just leave him, you deserve better. How I wish I had this book 15 years ago - I have come to understand and realise my husbands motives - creating so much confusion, allientating me from family and friends ... the list is endless. It made me cry and start break down the walls I had around my heart and numbed feelings - it was like reading my own life story. I am still in the abusive relationship but I am starting to take baby size steps to regaining my life - armed with this knowledge, I can now identify just what is going on and it has helped me see things in a different light and not get drawn into constant arguments, physcial violence, intimidation.... I am getting my life back on track and I hope to give my teenage sons a better life and help them understand what we have been subjected to over the years is not right and that we are not responsible for all the misery in our lives. Lundy Bancroft - thank you - you have given me the tools to cut through the shackles that have held me powerless for years. THANK YOU. I am recommending this book to all the women in my family so that they can pass this onto their daughters and help them make right choices and identify controlling and manipulative behaviours and understand the impact of how this type of abuse is soul destroying and impacts on so many peoples lives. I have read many books and a lot of them made me believe that I was to blame, that I was controlling him by fighting to be treated better. This is the first book that makes perfect sense and felt like I was in a haven where what I was and am going through is not a figment of my imagination. It has made me realise that the only solution is to GET OUT - I have had the promises to improvements,etc which usually lasts a week at the most. There is hope for all of us and thank you to the women who have shared their experiences and encouragement in the book reviews as that is what made me decide to buy this book.
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Buy this one!
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This book should be bought by every woman. A special book worth every penny. Thank you. Myself and my children owe you big style. I have now read a few books on emotional abuse - there needs be more much more publicity please on the subject!!! Good luck to any woman in need of this book. This is the best I have read.
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If you only buy one book on domestic abuse, make it this one
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This is a truly brilliant book. Whether you're in a relationship with a controlling person yourself, or have been, or know someone who is (chances are you do but may not realise it), this book is for you. I bought it for my sister when she left her husband for the final time and it's become her bible, not to mention mine and my parents'.
It unpicks the myths and excuses behind abusive behaviour and makes it clear that this type of person does not 'lose control' (far from it) or have 'anger management problems'; they CHOOSE to treat their partners badly, and it brings a lot of benefits for them. Certainly my sister worked herself to a frazzle in an unrelenting effort to meet expectations, only to be told "The only problem we have is that you don't try hard enough". The point is that the goal is a shifting one that is never meant to be achieved.
One of the things that confused my sister was that her husband didn't actually hit her, so she didn't acknowledge it as abuse (although he was physically intimidating: bearing down on her while shouting, breaking furniture etc). The book helped her to realise that emotional abuse is every bit as damaging and unacceptable as physical abuse.
'Why does he do that?' removes the confusion and helps you see abusive people for what they are. Importantly, it helps you realise that you are not crazy, or stupid, or worthless, or whatever else you may have been encouraged to believe. It is written in a very accessible style and is well structured; you can dip into specific sections rather than read from cover to cover if necessary. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
NB: The book that Lundy Bancroft recommends as a resource for friends and families of abused women, 'To be an anchor in the storm' by Susan Brewster, has been reprinted under the new title of 'Helping her get free: a guide for families and friends of abused women' (also available on Amazon).
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